Tales of Vista's Harem
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Summary: "All right," Director Piggot said. "Let's try this again. What happened? Without the song and dance." It was a measure of how weirder than normal the day was that she meant this literally. Some short drabbles on Vista's harem. Het, Yuri, crack, utter nonsense and Simurgh plots!
1. WORM! THE MUSICAL!

A/N: So, officially my first Worm fanfic, and it's crack. I'm getting back to my roots.

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WORM! THE MUSICAL!

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: Worm was created by Wildbow.

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"All right," Director Piggot said, just the faintest bit of dryness entering her voice as she surveyed the members of the Protectorate in the conference room. "Let's try this again. What happened? Without the song and dance."

It was a measure of how weirder than normal the day was that she meant this literally.

"13:23 hours, we received a call from Shadow Stalker reporting that Winslow public school and much of the surrounding area had been affected by a wide area Master effect," Armsmaster began, and the display showed a map of the area of a circle superimposed upon it. "Later analysis showed the effect extended over two blocks. Shadow Stalker's report was sang in power ballad format in the key of A-flat major, in quadruple meter at a tempo of 137 beats per minute. This immediately raised a flag and she confirmed in the final stanza of her report that she herself was under the effect, but that it did not seem to be affecting her reasoning. This was later found to be incorrect when she gave an aria confessing to a protracted bullying campaign of a fellow student while at the time believing it to be an internal monologue."

"Monologuing," Assault snickered as Battery elbowed him. "Rookie mistake."

"We will discuss that later," Piggot said. "Continue with the sequence of events. And leave out the musical minutiae."

Armsmaster nodded. "PRT and Protectorate assets were deployed in conjunction with the BBPD to isolate the area to prevent entry. It was found that civilians who managed to exit the area of effect reverted to normal, with many expressing confusion as to what had happened and in several instances severely out of breath and with minor sore throat from protracted singing. A triage center was established to deal with those with minor injuries resulting in leaving the effect and losing the granted physical coordination and choreography, as well as broken bones from those who had been in the middle of physical stunts when they had left the effect."

"At 14:07 hours, the boundary of the Master effect increased, bringing Triumph and I into the area of effect. I began tap dancing despite having no history of either training or inclination in any form of dance while becoming simultaneously compelled to convert one of my halberds into a combination Theremin and guitar synthesizer. I then proceeded to perform an improvisational piece that synchronized with my tap dancing, despite no prior training in musical theory and no history of interest in music," Armsmaster reported stoically. "Triumph was similarly compelled to engage in what I am informed was known as 'street dance' and began passively using his powers to manipulate surrounding sound into cohesive harmony. In coordination with my tap dancing and halberd playing, I began to sing, despite no previous training, of my intention to save the day, with Triumph providing vocal harmonies. Affected civilians began to center on us, providing backup vocals, choruses, improvisational music and sound effects. This continued until the area of effect contracted once more, to about its original dimensions, and I immediately ordered the cordon be pushed back further in case the fluctuation should happen again. The area was then declared a quarantine zone."

"We continued to receive information from the area from videos posted online, indicating that the effect does not seem to disable Bystander Syndrome in the affected individuals," Miss Militia said, and if her voice was a touch wry, it was not exactly uncalled for. "Shadow Stalker's confession aria being one of them. Fortunately, she did not explicitly state her identity as a Ward, but it was a close thing, and a literary analysis of the transcript strongly hints at it."

"Exact measurements of the dimensions of the effect were taken using disarmed volunteers on retrieval lines, and were were able to map out the area and approximate center of the phenomenon," Armaster continued. "At 21:41 hours, the Master effect suddenly collapsed. A retrieval team was sent to detain Shadow Stalker while Miss Militia and Battery went to investigate the center of the phenomenon. They found an unconscious student in a locker full of toxic biological wastes, conforming to the violent gangster rap portion of Shadow Stalker's confession. The student was moved to Brockton General and under heavy guard. She is tentatively identified to be the cause of the Master effect, who likely triggered as a result of her incarceration. She has since been identified as Taylor Hebert, temporarily designated Aoide."

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 **\- To be continued…!**

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A/N: So, Taylor Triggers as a Master/Trump that gives people in an area a Thinker power for massive choreography, lyrical rhyme and improvisational music; a hivemind to coordinate all of this together, and a compulsion to sing and dance. The effect would be stronger around parahumans, making them the centerpiece of any choreography.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	2. For the Art!

A/N: My mind went to a strange place.

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For The Art!

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: Worm was created by Wildbow.

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"All right," Director Piggot said, looking somehow more serious than usual, with an added air of 'I miss my kidneys, GOD I WISH I COULD DRINK' that went beyond what could be expected from being in the same chain of command as Assault. "We have an incoming situation. According to our latest tracking intelligence, and the latest updates on social networking sites and PHO, the Nein are on a recruiting drive, with Brockton Bay as their likely destination."

"Yes!" Clockblocker and Assault chorused, exchanging grins and likely wishing the table wasn't between them so they could exchange high fives as Vista and Battery exchanged looks of mutual commiseration and dealt with their respective idiots.

The aura of needing a drink intensified. "This is serious you two. The Nein are wanted criminals with a long list of offenses and charges to heir name."

Assault snorted. "I really don't get how they'd charge Bonesaw with medical fraud. It's not like she's even pretending to be a doctor. And people come to _her_. Any crimes are self-inflicted."

"That's not up to us to judge," Piggot snapped. "Regardless, if they're coming here, we need to be prepared. I want all hands on deck for this. Until we're sure the Nein are out of the city, all leaves are cancelled and everyone is on call."

There were resigned groans, though for once Clockblocker and Assault weren't among them.

"Why do you look so suspiciously happy about this?" Mona Lisa, the newest Ward, asked Clockblocker.

Vista let out a disgusted sound. "The Siberian, why else?"

Ah. The world's second most famous nudist after the Simurgh. Of course. Both Assault and Clockblocker just grinned wider.

"According to our analysts," Armsmaster said, "Brockton Bay has several likely parahumans the Nein would be interested in targeting." He touched a control and the display flickered with a new image. Mona Lisa saw her own picture, first and foremost. "Among the Wards, Mona Lisa would fit their theme. Her ability to reproportion objects to be more in line with the so-called Golden Ratio would be highly sought after to support the Nein's members, particularly since it isn't Manton-limited."

"No need to worry about that," Taylor, Mona Lisa, said. "If they ask, I fully intend to say no."

"While that might be the case Mona Lisa, if it turns out they're interested in you, we'd like to ask you to lure them into a situation where they could be arrested," Armsmaster said a bit stiffly. "I know it's a difficult thing to ask but in such a situation, you might be our best hope at finally bringing the Nein to justice."

"Are you still upset about that thing Jack Slash did of you and Dragon?" Assault said, grinning widely. "Oh, sorry, I mean 'Defiant' and 'Wyvern'."

"It's libel, pure and simple," Armsmaster said heatedly. "Dragon was very upset when she brought it to my attention. She kept quoting passages she seemed to find very distressing. I will not countenance such a baseless attack on our reputations."

"Stand down, Armsmaster," Piggot snapped. She privately admitted to surprise and exasperation herself. Really, _that_ was his takeaway from what Jack Slash did? "Continue with the analysts' report."

Armsmaster did not 'hmph', but only just. The image flickered again. "Other potential candidates include the rogue Parian, Labyrinth from Faultline's crew, Kaiser, Bakuda, and Lung."

"Wait, _Lung?_ " Taylor was surprised to hear the question raised by more than her, including the director.

If Armsmaster was the kind of man to shrug, he would have. "Apparently, he's an expert in fretwork art and cake decorating."

"Huh," Kid Win said the thought on many peoples' minds. "I was kind of thinking it would be... something else."

"What about Über and L33t?" Mona Lisa asked.

"What about them?" Armsmaster said.

"Well, they're technically performance artists..."

Armsmaster waved a negligent hand. "Our analysts have removed them from consideration. They all agree that videogames is not a legitimate form of art."

….

Über and L33t stared at the group in front of them, openmouthed.

"Oh my god," L33t said. "You're the _Nein!_ Sir, I'm a huge fan of your work, I really am! Miss Bonesaw, I loved your Felyne work!"

"Well, it's always nice to meet a fan of more than the Siberians tits," Jack said jovially as he evaded a fond swat from said personage. "And you're Über and L33t."

"OH MY GOD, HE KNOWS OUR NAMES!"

Jack laughed. "Well, why should we? After all, you two are boys after our own heart. We've seen your videos, after all."

"Kill me now," L33T whimpered, horrified at the thought of his heroes having seen his failures.

"Relax kid, it's not so bad," Jack said reassuringly as he fiddled with a cheap hotel letter opener pen. "You're just getting in the game, finding your feet. But I can tell, you boys have _spirit_. You've got _love_ for the art. Oh, some of those fuckers say videogames don't count, and that's shit. Full orchestra scores isn't art? And the writing...!" Jack wiped away a tear. "Damn, Aerith gets me every time. That's why we're here for you boys."

"Us?" Über finally managed to squeak.

Jack nodded. "As you can see, we're down a member right now, and Crawler wants to retire. That'll be two slots open. If you feel up to it, we'd love to have you two aboard, get some new stuff in, help you get some recognition for your genre. After all, the world's changing and that means people are makign up new art. You two could help give those arts legitimacy. And yeah, a little infamy." He grinned that twisted grin known the world over from a popular internet meme.

"We're in!" the two boys gasped, weak at the knees.

"Great! Welcome to the Arthaus Nein boys!"

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 **\- The End…**

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A/N: Meet... the Arthaus Nein! Complete with pretentious German name!

Siberian: a public exhibitionist who paints her body to make statements about the duality of light and darkness, the doppler affect, zebras, and the social construct that is the dichotomy of good and evil! Is wanted by the police for the corruption of minors (she doesn't choose her locations very well), and acts public lewdness and indecent exposure! It's for art, honest!

Bonesaw: her art is body modification. While for many that means piercings and tattoos, for Bonesaw that means looking like a unicorn, pony, catgirl and whatnot, whether for herself, other members of the Nein who volunteer to participate in her art exhibitions, and consenting members of the public who allow themselves to be turned into pony girls. Is beloved and deified by the furry community and is proportionately reviled for same. Helps fund the Nein by acting as a backalley cosmetic surgeon, giving boob jobs and other… extensions for a modest sum. The medical community and those people who peddle pop-up ads that promise pills to make you bigger hate her, and Hasbro has filed for copyright infringement.

Shatterbird: a glass sculptor and silicate artist, she usually announces the arrival of the Nein by causing the windows of a local skyscraper to develop hairline cracks and other strategic faults that when combined for erotic portraits and compositions depicting local capes in _..._ uh, _passionate embrace_. Is wanted for numerous counts of vandalism and child pornography, as some of the capes depicted are Wards, even if they're not actually naked or doing anything lewd, apparently being portrayed in the same window counts.

Crawler: a founding member of the Nein with King (who specialized in Elvis impersonation, Elvis murals and general Elvishness), he was once a performance artist specializing in extreme physical challenges, but time and his constantly mutating body have taken their toll and removed the challenge from things, so he's considering retirement. Is mostly wanted for being an accessory to all the other members of the Nein.

Burnscar: largely an amateur, she's still finding her personal style, and to that end has tried wax sculpture (setting Chicago a little on fire, but at least this time it wasn't Myrddin), crop circle art (set some parts of Kansas on fire), cooking (gave the Nein heartburn and was banned from the kitchen), firedancing (so far, the macarena and the robot), and juggling (surprisingly good at it). Wanted, of course, for several counts of arson.

Mannequin: specializes in interior decorating, breaking into office building and giving their lobbies, public areas and employee areas a complete makeover, usually at the expense of the executive offices. Wanted for numerous counts of breaking and entering.

Hatchet Face: their driver, manager and in charge of merchandising and social media. The levelheaded person every group of artists needs to not starve to death. Like Crawler, is mostly wanted as an accessory, and driving a big rig without a license. Used to be Hero, now retired.

Jack Slash: the most infamous and longest-serving member of the Nein, Jack Slash specializes in parahuman erotic literature, usually homoerotic but not exclusively. Originally debuted on PHO with a popular Hero/Eidolon series that set many of the clichés of the pairing, before his account was banned due to explicit content. Over the years has racked up a staggering number of new accounts that have soon been subsequently banned. Is wanted by most members of the Protectorate on general principle, as well as charges of libel and child pornography due to graphic depictions of Wards.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	3. WORM! THE MUSICAL SEQUEL!

A/N: So, my mind went to that scene in Kung-Fu Hustle were the Axe Gang were dancing around...

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WORM! THE MUSICAL SEQUEL!

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: Worm was created by Wildbow.

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Down the suspiciously empty street, gangers in ABB colors all walked in perfect rows and columns, each with a casual strut to their steps, footfalls striking the ground in rhymth. Despite wearing clothes that had little similarity to each other save for splashes of red and green, they were all standing in exactly the right position for maximum visual effect, like the world's most evil Christmas float. An ominous, dirge-like hum rose from the majority of them, while a few others with appropriately deep voices chanted dark imprecations and dreadful promises of vengeance. Everyone had their right hand up and was snapping their fingers every other step, making a relaxed, confident beat.

In the center of the formation swaggered Lung, his mask slightly askew at a jaunty angle as he casually swung around a crowbar like it was a cane. He sang, his voice deep as an oil well and darker than black gold, with the promise of terrible fire. It was a dark and terrible melody with a lot of possessives. My town. My city. My kingdom. Mine.

Around him, shirtless men led by Oni Lee, also wielding crowbars, set up another beat in counterpoint to the snapping fingers, while around them men with handguns provided music by sliding magazines in and out, working slides, and ejecting chambered rounds to tinkle on the street...

Far up above, the newest Ward activated her earpiece. "Console, this is Aoide, be advised that a large number of ABB, Lung and Oni Lee are performing a major musical number on Harris street. Suspects are primarily armed with crowbars and small arms." She took a moment to listen some more. "Lung has finished his introductory villain song and the spotlight has progressed to Oni Lee, who's performing an interpretive dance segment."

 _"Acknowledged Aoide. Do not engage, but hold position if you can and await Protectorate assets."_

"Got it," Taylor said, getting comfortable and reaching for one of her many (unauthorized) pouches of snack foods to wait out yet another performance. Huh, who knew Lung had such a good voice?

It took them 20 minutes to get there, by which point Lung had moved on to an operatic reenactment of his famous battle with Leviathan as Assault and Battery literally waltzed into the street arm in arm and cheek to cheek, Armsmaster for once simply providing music and a little directed lighting as the married couple wove a love ballad into the opera in preparation for a dramatic fight scene. Taylor was glad her costume had several independent cameras. Reporting these things was always a bitch.

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 **\- THE END…?**

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A/N:

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


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